Eragon

This could be the sort of schoolboy fantasy adventure a pimply whippersnapper might bide his time with until he's old enough to watch Lord of the Rings.

Based on the novel by Christopher Paolini, it's an eye-watering confection of special effects, portentuous dialogue and an infinitismal number of nods to Tolkien.

Unfortunately, Tolkien drew his influences from the terrifying time spent in the trenches of the Somme...while Paolini's life experiences appear to be limited to the cubs.

It's essentially LOTR-lite, an attempt to do for Froddo, Gandalf and Aragorn what Stormbreaker did for 007. It fails.

Ed Speelers - think an adolescent Jamie Oliver - is Eragon, a farm boy whose life is changed when he finds what looks like a giant blue M+M in the woods.

It turns out to be an egg and a dragon pup (or whatever they're called) soon tumbles out and before you can say "the Hobbit" the pair have bonded.

Voiced by Rachel Weisz, the dragon Saphira - adopting the sort of computerised tone only heard in lifts and supermarkets - is to be Eragon's high-flying ally against rotter-in-chief King Galbatorix (Malkovich).

Supplying the role of Eragon's mentor is another grand pantomime dame, Jeremy Irons, who plays Brom, a former Dragon Rider who's opted for a life out of the hot-seat.

They hope to join the rebel forces of the Varden, bring down King G and his forces of darkness, thus restoring peace and justice to the good people of Alagaesia.

However, Galbatorix's shape-shifting sorcerer Durza (Robert Carlyle coming across as a subdued Ken Dodd) has other ideas and uses Sienna Guillory's warrior princess Arya to tempt Eragon into a trap.

Yes, it's a bit of mess, helped in no small part by rookie director Stefen Fangmeier, a onetime systems programmer and image processing analyst.

He's pretty good at the interminable helicopter shots but not so hot when it comes to eliciting decent performances out of a cast who are patently uncomfortable delivering such puerile dialogue.

Totally lacking in the gravitas that raised LOTR into a cinematic event, this never rises above a day out for the Children's Film Foundation at Lucasfilm's Industrial Light & Magic.

If you really love your kids, shield them from this until they're ready to see Peter Jackson's masterpiece.

Tim Evans