"Robert? Hey Rodriquez, it's QT. Listen buddy, you know that Grindhouse double-bill that went down like a ventilated hitman in the States? Well, I gone taken my half and added loads new s*** and released it as a stand-alone movie. You should do the same with Planet Terror!

"So yeah, it’s gonna be the same deal. Starts off with Sydney Poitier as Jungle Jill - the coolest radio DJ in Texas - cruising bars and shooting the s*** with her cool-chick homies. Yeah, Sydney is Sidney Poitier’s daughter! Coolissimo.

"Anyways, so Jill and the babes rock up at this joint where Kurt Russell’s sitting at the bar. He’s this total nutzoid called Stuntman Mike. There’s loads of riffin' and spliffin' and I get Vanessa Ferlito to do a little lapdance cuz she's so hot!

"Just when it looks like nothing’s gonna happen and everyone's, like, so what?, the chicks leave and Mike gives a ride to this random chick played by Rose McGowan (who I got wearing a blonde wig).

"And then it gets crazy as hell. I mean like blow-you-away, hit-and-run carnage, man!"

"After that I calm things down and a few months later we’re in Tennessee.

"Second half, same deal – four ballsy chicks talking dirty in gas stations, cars, diners, wherever. Gives me another chance to shoot a long-ass continuous take around a dining table, like I did in Reservoir Dogs... Hell, if I ain't the coolest.

"Who are the girls? Oh, I got Rosario Dawson, Mary Elizabeth Winstead – she was Bruce Willis’s daughter in Die Hard 4 – Tracie Thoms out of Cold Case, and this bad-ass Kiwi called Zoe Bell who was Uma’s stunt double in Kill Bill.

"In fact, I rev up the whole second half to let Zoe show every last mother****** what a great stuntwoman she is.

"Stuntman Mike pops up late in the day to give the girls the fright of their lives - and guess what? The mother****** never sees what’s coming!

"Tellin’ you, man - people are gonna go crazy for this s***. It’s got that grindhouse vibe – scratchy film stock, missing reels, screwed-up colour...

"I get to shoot bitchin' car chases in jazzed-up Dodges and Chevys, have chicks callin’ each other "bitch", "n***er" and "motherf*****", and riff on all the pop culture stuff I like.  Whaddya think, bro?"

Elliott Noble