Bangkok Dangerous

Perhaps unmoved by the Hollywood remake of their supernatural chiller The Eye (and who wasn’t?), the Hong Kong-born, Thailand-based Pang twins take personal responsibility for the English-language reload of the action thriller that made their name.

Unfortunately, they’ve omitted two key elements: action and thrills.

With a barnet to make a Spanish footballer wince and all the enthusiasm of a businessman with a Thai food allergy, Nicolas Cage mooches around the streets of Bangkok as Joe, a hitman who lives by his own strict set of rules.

These he drones on about in one of those voiceovers that nobody pays any attention to. Not even himself apparently, because he promptly breaks the lot.

After landing a four-hit contract with a shady kingpin, Joe hires unsuspecting street hustler Kong (Shahkrit Yamnarm) to act as his errand boy with the intention of killing the poor sap as soon as the job’s done.

But after plugging one mark in his limo and drowning another in his pool, Joe has a change of heart and spuriously agrees to make Kong his apprentice.

Cue a training montage involving press-ups and shooting at watermelons which is as uninspired as it is pointless because, come the final showdown, Kong is as much use as a chocolate wok.

The credibility of Joe’s credo dwindles further when he falls for the first deaf-mute pharmacist he comes across (Charlie Young)… even more so when he covers her in the blood of a couple of hapless muggers.

Kong has better luck with the slinky nightclub dancer who works for Mr Big, but with one hit to go, everyone loses that loving feeling.

Not only is the last mark a much-loved politician, sending Joe into a moral tailspin, but it seems that Mr Big is also a believer in leaving no loose ends.

The 18 certificate – presumably sought and earned for two gory bits - suggests action with a violent edge. But, plotted like one of The Equaliser’s duller episodes and shot in grainy, pallid green hues, this is a depressing experience.

Ludicrous? Occasionally. Ponderous? Frequently. But dangerous? Only for the careers of Cage and his stylist.

Elliott Noble