Alien Autopsy

Not counting their brief appearance in Love Actually (as "Ant or Dec", in one of its rare funny moments), Alien Autopsy is the big-screen breakthrough of Messrs McPartlin and Donnelly, the Geordie japesters who make ITV occasionally worth watching.

Unfortunately, it's a case of 'Invasion Of The Movie Snatchers' since a sensational, cinema-friendly true story, ripe with comic potential, barely limps off the slab.

A hotshot documentarian (Bill "Not Jeff Daniels" Pullman) arrives in London to hear cheeky chancer Ray Santilli (Dec) and his level-headed pal Gary Shoefield (Ant) tell their unbelievable tale...

Back in 1995, video pirate Ray drags Gary to Florida to get hold of some rare Elvis memorabilia and meets ex-military cameraman Harvey (Harry Dean Stanton, looking and sounding like he’s wandered in from another movie).

If Ray comes up with $30,000, Harvey will let them have something much more exciting: genuine footage of an alien autopsy performed at the Roswell Air Base in 1947.

Ray's gotta have it, so after securing the capital from nasty, UFO-obsessed crook Laszlo (Gotz Otto) he collects the film stock... which immediately deteriorates into an unwatchable state.

Desperate, Ray comes up with the bright idea of gathering friends, family and the local butcher to recreate the autopsy.

When Gary's sister comes home to the grisly scene in her living room, her reaction suggests that a scam that couldn't possibly work just might.

In no time, the home movie is stirring up a media frenzy, making Ray a global celebrity and smashing worldwide ratings. Unsurprisingly, the US military is also watching...

Sounds like a hoot, doesn't it? Sort of Calendar Girls meets The X-Files.

That's what Alien Autopsy would like to be, but it's no more amusing than the kind of strange-but-true docudrama stuff they churn out on the terrestrial channels. Why aye? Why, no.

Elliott Noble